blog

Finding Common Ground

Mon, 13 Feb 2017 20:39:56 +0100

After the election of Donald Trump, many of my clients came in shocked, upset and afraid. Apparently the voices of pain, anger and hardship of many people in the red states felt largely ignored by the politicians of both parties and they decided to choose the “populist” businessman to be their president. It left many of us on the West Coast scratching our head in dismay. Trump said many racist, sexist, homophobic, anti-Islam, xenophobic and hateful rhetoric during his campaign, but it does not mean that all people who voted for him feel the same way. However, unfortunately, there are certainly individuals and groups that are openly expressing and acting out those sentiments. So how do we find common ground as citizens of our country? How do we heal the breach of trust and respect that has diminished between relatives, friends and colleagues?

As we probably all know, when two people are angry and pointing fingers at one another, any attempt at conversation can quickly derail. None of us like feeling misunderstood or made to feel wrong by our partner, boss, family member or friend. Usually we feel defensive or angry and want to fight back or get revenge. Our pain is real and often we retreat and repress our feelings until they explode in a rage at a later date.

It is more constructive if we are willing to listen to each other’s pain and fear and anger, even if we disagree. Can we practice being curious, ask questions and not take it personally? Are we willing to pause and reflect on our own biases and discrimination? Are there people we scapegoat with our attitudes and beliefs? It is easier to point the finger at others than to see our own inherent prejudice or religious judgements.

It can be even more difficult if we feel threatened. Fear triggers the limbic system in our brain which means the amygdala is aroused and goes into “fight or flight.” So we also need to practice calming down before we respond with feelings or statements that will add fuel to the tension already crackling in the conversation. Including a practice of going a bit slower, paying attention to our inside landscape to know when we are triggered, and allowing more quiet to guide our actions can all be extremely helpful in these challenging times.

It also helps to remember we are all in this together and the web of life is interdependent. Start by practicing self-compassion for your own efforts, especially when it is difficult, and begin to extend that kindness to others around you. Resisting and judging the other person is not a good way to create change. Stand for what you believe in, your values, and continue to speak their importance in respectful tones. Be willing to hear others and ask them to hear you. Pause and breathe often. Go slowly with love whenever possible. Real transformation requires more humility, less self-righteousness and lots of patience whether in our marriage, with relatives or in our country.

Choosing to Change First

Wed, 22 Apr 2015 22:45:13 +0100

I remember how powerful it was to learn in one of my trainings that it really only took one person to take the first step to change an unpleasant dynamic between a couple. That shocked me on two fronts. First, I was hearing that I had the power to affect change in our relationship even when I felt my partner was behaving badly. Secondly, I didn’t have to focus on trying to get HIM to be different, I could just change my own behavior. Suddenly I felt more hopeful. The ball was in my court and I could focus on growing in the new ways I desired. This awareness has brought me back from the brink of a disagreement going ballistic many times! The author of Marriage Rules, Harriet Lerner, says, “Change comes from the bottom-up; you have to do the work because no one else will do it. Waiting for the other person to change first may spell relationship disaster.”

So it is normal to expect in a long time relationship that there will be times of too much distance, too much blame and anger, times where you get too focused on your partner and too under-focused on how you could “warm” things up. So if you are wanting more contact with your partner, do the things that will foster a deeper connection. You can practice the 5 to 1 ratio of praise to criticism—positive interactions to critical ones. Remember, no one survives in a relationship if they feel more judged than loved and respected. When two people have been together awhile, it is easy to get lazy and forget to find time to check-in with one another, to have fun, and we give voice to what we don’t like too often. What if you were to comment on what you love and enjoy about one another? Try it. One person begins to say caring comments, it becomes contagious and you just may find your partner freely reciprocating.

Lerner also suggests having “difficult” conversations in a new venue. She proposes two conversations when there is a hard topic where you share different views and have strong feelings. Together you agree on a time and a shared desire to practice whole-hearted listening. So the first person invites the conversation s/he dreads. Their listening practice will be to stay calm, be curious, minimize defensiveness, and ask questions rather than correct facts. Then you and your partner take a break for an hour or maybe a whole day to assimilate what was shared. The second conversation will be started by the partner who listened and s/he will express held differences and may even apologize for their part in the misunderstanding or if something hurtful was said. The partner who already spoke now has the opportunity to listen fully by being present, open, calm and curious and non-defensive. It is a wonderful practice to cultivate to get through the inevitable difficult conversations every couple has.

In the “best” marriages, Lerner believes that one partner can be more light-hearted, use humor and be non-reactive. They choose not to throw fuel on burning embers. I would add that it is a great practice for each partner to learn to calm down, stay curious, laugh at themselves and accept their mistakes. But, remember, only one person responding with equanimity can keep the conversation from getting derailed and both parties moving toward more acceptance and closeness.

Creating a Secure Relationship

Fri, 15 Jan 2016 01:02:03 +0100

The new year invites new beginnings. And each day invites us to choose again. How do we continue creating a secure and mutual relationship with our partner over the months and years? Can I remember my best effort will bring us both comforting rewards?

Stan Tatkin, PsyD ., in Wired for Love, suggests we get to know who we are; our background, and how we are wired, so we can each take responsibility for our reflexes. Secondly, Tatkin says it is important for each partner to know the other; their background, how their brain works, and likely responses. So sharing what you know about yourself with one another is helpful. It works lots better to get your partner to help you through feeling attraction, rather than fear, threat or guilt. Can you learn to be in the same threatening situation with an agreement to protect each other from the environment? Perhaps you are both feeling an onslaught of judgement from relatives about a recent decision you made as a couple. Speaking why it works for each of you and acknowledging one anothers' needs will feel way better than defending and blaming the decision on the other. (To say nothing about it not being their business:) Pair bonding is to protect each other by honoring what is good for me and what is good for you. So I don’t share your private information with friends if I know that might be embarrassing to you. I would respect your fear of heights and not poke fun about your lack of interest in rock climbing. Tatkin defines mutuality as meaning we will look out for each other, which makes us feel safe when we are vulnerable. We don’t grow or change when we feel insecure.

Tatkin points to research regarding adult bonding that shows the bond between partners has the same survival mode as a mother-child one. Infants and mothers have two nervous systems to calm each other down and two nervous systems to excite one another. So this is true about partners who become a primary attachment system. Dr.Sue Johnson cites brain research that shows our mammalian brain is wired to respond and connect, and we need a few others to be responsive when we turn to them for reassurance. We are not only meant to be self-regulating. We react to separation or emotional disconnection from another with pain. When we criticize or turn our back on our partner, it can trigger panic and fear and thoughts like, “maybe I can’t count on you!” Johnson writes in Hold Me Tight that when we understand our attachment needs as normal, and request these needs be met for our comfort, we can strengthen our bond of safety and security. It’s OK to say, “I feel rejected and need your approval. I may have screwed up, but give me another chance.”

New brain science has shed light on how to build more secure and healthy relationships. As partners, we can amplify positive feelings between us, gaze into one anothers' eyes, help each other with softer and more vulnerable feelings, and in so doing, make each of us feel stronger and more confident as we navigate this complicated and beautiful world.

Moving Beyond Power Struggles and Blame

Fri, 15 Jan 2016 01:00:38 +0100

Do you want to be happy or "right?" Are you willing and open to learning or do you act as if you "already should know?" These are two questions Dr. Julia Colwell asks when she teaches about essential relationship skills. Your responses to the above two questions will influence how frequently you engage in power struggles. Power struggles emerge from reactive fighting and defending ourselves. We all know this experience. We are human. Our feelings get triggered around our differences and our reptilian brain kicks into fight or flight. We may feel mad, sad, glad or scared. Colwell talks about our tendency to attempt to solve the problem while we are in this reactive mode. Doing so usually fails! What will help is to pause, state you are feeling reactive, practice breathing with your body, and, when feeling a bit calmer.....speak the truth about your reactions. One of you may say, "I'm feeling angry and scared about what you want to do. I don't feel my needs were considered." Be patient. Slow down. It often helps to repeat what your partner just told you. Listening to each others feelings and views without either partner being right or wrong, good or bad, will help move you beyond your power struggles.

Blame is a disempowered position. If I don't take any responsibility for our problems and misunderstandings, I give you all my power and wait for you to do something about it. But I have no control if only waiting for you to take care of it. Colwell points out, both partners are responsible in a committed relationship. So how do we transform our everyday experiences of blame around tasks and agreements? First, we need to be willing to look at our part in the problem. You may ask, "Why do I keep making agreements with you that can't be kept? Let's look together." The biggest influence we can have in our relationship is by telling the truth about our own experience. A partner may respond, "I say yes or I go along with your preference because I'm afraid of your anger or feeling guilty." This willingness to look together and share feelings will allow you as partners to move in the direction of both of you getting what you want. With practice, this allows you to relax and feel more vulnerable and have more intimacy as partners.

Dancing With Venus and Mars

Thu, 14 Jan 2016 05:05:57 +0100

Many of you have heard of the popular guide to understanding the opposite sex, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, written by John Gray nearly 15 years ago. I remember initially thinking, "Oh, come on, isn't this a bit simplistic and gender biased?" Now we have neuroscience to confirm much of what John Gray has written. Our hormones play a HUGE role in affecting how our brains work and what each gender needs to create intimacy in the relationship. Following are some research findings and Gray"s suggestions to enhance your dance of intimacy. Experiment and see what makes each of you feel good.

So probably no big surprise,Gray says women need to be seen through communication! Women often feel overwhelmed taking care of everyone and she needs conversation to relax and she builds oxytocin through sharing, before having "me" time. Oxytocin is the security, comfort and bonding hormone. It also lowers her stress. Gray says men like to be seen for what they do! When men feel successful doing something, they have a surge of testosterone. Men like to hear "good idea" or "that makes sense." Men need "cave" time to decompress; "me" time first to build his testosterone after a tiring day. So when a modern couple comes home at the end of the day, their needs to build their oxytocin and testosterone can feel at odds. Men want to retreat to their "cave" for awhile, and women who don't have an "off "switch in their brain, want to talk and begin necessary home activities. She can easily feel resentful if not being helped, he can feel grumpy and unmotivated without a time out and also unsuccessful because he wants to know she is happy.

A few simple suggestions to test. They can agree he takes a "cave" break and she tells him "when you are ready, here is the list of what I need." (don't assume, "if he loved me, he would know") When he comes out of his "cave" with renewed testosterone, he needs to be willing to listen to the woman share her feelings from the day. (without having to "fix" of do anything) This will give her a huge oxytocin surge. If the man is listening and starts to feel criticized, he can ask her to "pause" and say some good things about him. For women, bragging about an activity or event your partner did well will make him feel successful. For men, when you are listening, making eye contact, asking questions, or asking her what she would like to talk about will create even more closeness.

Remember, little things make a BIG difference to each gender and you are bringing your differences together in ways that support each other getting what you need. Together may you grow to appreciate the greater harmony and intimacy you can co-create.

Brain Science and Self-Discovery in Relationship

Thu, 17 Apr 2014 17:54:30 +0100

I will be married thirty years this summer, the same number of years I have been a licensed marriage and family therapist. In three decades, I have made many discoveries about relationships in both my personal and professional life. During the last two months, I have listened to a weekly online video event, “Deepening Intimacy," hosted by Tami Simon of Sounds True, who did fourteen interviews with relationship experts. It is an excellent series, and you may want to listen to some of the full interviews. I was thrilled to hear about some of the latest research that helps us know so much more about creating intimate and enduring relationships. I have decided to share some highlights from these interviews in my next blogs to further support my and your self-discovery in relationship.

First of all, when I got married, I had no idea this relationship would become a primary path to awakening my self-awareness. Yet, as partners we see and experience our shortcomings first hand and we are often quite eager to tell each other about them. However, new brain science or neuropsychology says how we “tell” each other about theses behaviors or patterns greatly influences how close, safe and enjoyable our partnership will feel. Scientists can observe how our reptilian brain, programmed for fight or flight, lights up when we feel threatened by judgements about our human differences; our differing views, feelings, wants, needs or behaviors. Our tone of voice, repressed anger, facial expressions or criticism will trigger fear and/or anxiety in our partner, and it is often hard to think clearly as their brain goes into protecting itself. This reactiveness to one another makes the relationship feel unsafe. Partners feel rejected, rather than accepted for who they are, and we begin to live with our partners defenses if each feels it is too risky to be authentic. And the experts seem to agree, no one survives in a relationship if they feel more judged and criticized than loved and respected.

So how do we minimize creating threats in our partner’s brain and encourage greater safety in our relationship? First of all, Rick Hanson, PhD., says we can all be humble in seeing we have parts ready to go to war with our partner. It helps if we each take responsibility for our own reactivity and ask, “What feeling or discomfort is being triggered in me? Why is it so hard for me to hear my partner express this different view or need?” Dr. Hanson suggests four actions to help calm reactivity. First, it can help to name your reaction as sadness, worry, anger, etc. when your feelings are activated. Secondly, he encourages positive emotions and behaviors to fuel safety in the relationship. You can look for opportunities to appreciate your partner, name what you like or respect about them, be grateful for what each may do or bring to the relationship. (A daily practice at bedtime is comforting) Thirdly, touch is a gesture Hanson states calms down social pain, and the alarm systems in the brain. It can be skin to skin or eye contact. Lastly, assessing and telling your partner the size of threat in the partnership can be useful in the midst of a difficult conversation/fight. You may say, “This is a passing challenge” or “ We can find a way to deal with this problem” or “ I love you even though I am mad right now.” Our brain calms down and we can reach out a bit more easily.

Some experts say developing safety in our relationship bond is more important for our health and longevity than giving up smoking or exercising. May we rise to the challenge.

Embracing Vulnerability

Sat, 01 Mar 2014 17:00:31 +0100

We live in a vulnerable world with lots of uncertainty, discomfort and pain. This same world also includes lots of joy, love and happiness. All of us experience some of both, but most of us think something is wrong with us when we can’t avoid or control the “hard” stuff in life.

We all seek connection with others. For connection to happen, though, we need to have the courage to be vulnerable and share who we are. According to the researcher, Brene Brown, most of us struggle with being vulnerable. We fear vulnerability shows weakness. We fear if we really show who we are, people will turn away from wanting to connect with us. Yet, ironically, most people see others who share their vulnerability as courageous. It is difficult for us to feel we are worthy and deserve love and belonging. The shame of feeling “I’m not ok” or “I am not good enough” is a loud voice in most of our heads. This painful message inhibits our freedom to share who we are. Instead we find ourselves seeking perfection, numbing our senses, blaming others, trying to predict and make life certain rather than embracing how vulnerable and afraid of failing we often feel. We may eat too much, drink too much, self-medicate, work too many hours, or stay extremely busy as possible ways to avoid feeling vulnerable. Yet this fear of feeling shame and not measuring up also means we block our connection to joy, creativity, love, fun and play.

We all suffer from shame. We are not alone. We fear letting down to tell our story of feelings and thoughts; the highs and the lows, the struggles and the triumphs. However, Brene Brown reminds us that being secretive, and silent and judgmental about our inner challenges helps maintain the shame. We cut ourselves off from connection with others. The fear of risking exposure is playing it safe so we avoid mistakes or looking bad. In addition, Brown says her research shows, “vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” So our fear of showing our imperfections and humanness comes at a huge cost to us and our society. Fortunately Brown offers a three-step process to practice developing shame resilience. This process encourages us to move toward feeling greater worthiness in simply being who we are. Now it really help if we know what triggers our shame. It helps to recognize the feeling of not being loveable and worthy and when we are in it. Some common shame triggers are, not doing it perfectly, feeling incompetent, not being productive enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough, important enough.....The first step when we are experiencing one of our shame triggers is to reach out to a friend instead of hiding. This is a practice of courage in showing vulnerability. You might call a friend and say, “I just gave a talk at work and it didn’t go well and I feel disconnected from my co-workers, inadequate and want to hide.” Having someone to listen and empathize is the antidote to shame. Secondly, do a reality check with the messages you are hearing in your head and from others. What are the expectations and beliefs sparking the shame? Be kind to yourself and compassionate in your self-talk. “You’re ok, you are human, not all your presentations have to be excellent” or “my co-workers respect me and probably think the talk was fine.” (Once again, hear the importance of self-compassion for us to find more freedom from our judging critics?) Lastly, by reaching out to tell your story and sharing how we feel embarrassed or guilty or ashamed helps us realize we are not alone. Often we hear, “Oh, I have felt that way.” It makes it easier to accept our story in that moment and find some freedom away from the self-judgement.

Self-Compassion and Happiness

Thu, 12 Dec 2013 02:20:14 +0100

Many people who extend caring, kindness and compassion toward others, often have difficulty extending compassion to themselves. Sound familiar? The good news is we can learn to be kinder to ourselves. It is possible to help train our brain to respond to our difficulties or suffering so we feel happier rather than more miserable. Health psychologist, Kelly McGonigal, spoke about the brain studies showing the importance of self-compassion and how it helps us succeed at our goals and increase our happiness at the Stanford Happiness Conference. Different regions of the brain are activated by the type of response we have toward our daily challenges. If we take a self-critical or harsh approach when something bad happens, saying, ‘it’s all my fault” or “what’s wrong with me” and “I should have been better,” the reactive mode of our brain is triggered. This mode is one of defense, threat and self-judgement. If we take a self-nurturing approach when we suffer a rejection, saying, “I can see how disappointed you feel “or “I know the hard work and preparation I did,” the responsive mode of the brain lights up. This mode is one of acceptance and encouragement.

So how do we train ourselves to activate the responsive mode of the brain? Here is a simple exercise from Paul Gilbert, a therapist, who also does brain research. At the end of the day, name the worst thing that happened to you that day. Then, for a week, write yourself a letter, for 5-15 minutes, about the worst thing that happened that day, using the self-nurturing /compassionate approach. So you will write one letter each day. So maybe on the first day you are bummed because you were the only one in your yoga class that couldn’t do a headstand. You would write to yourself saying, “it’s amazing I even show up for yoga” or “my balance keeps improving, but headstands are not easy for me,” and, “I have only done yoga for 6 months and I can feel how I am getting stronger.” Another day, maybe you had a misunderstanding with your best friend. You may write, “ best friends can still disagree” or “it is good I could say what I felt and needed” and “even if it is uncomfortable right now, usually we calm down and work things out.” Research has shown, after only one week, this may both influence how you think about suffering and rewire your brain toward greater self-compassion. It also helps reduce depression and increases happiness.

By now you may be feeling a common discomfort or mistrust about self-compassion. After all, our culture says being tough on yourself is the right way to live. Many people feel they must use anxiety, guilt and shame to stay motivated. People fear if they are self-compassionate, they will never get their work done, their high standards would drop or, worse yet, they fear they will fall apart. The findings suggest otherwise. Once again I refer you to Dr. Kristin Neff, a proffesor at UT, Austin, who specializes in self-compassion research. Individuals who use self-compassion rather than guilt, shame or fear to guide their lives often experience less anxiety, anger, compare less to others, and are happier and healthier. They procrastinate less, are able to re-engage with their goals after failure, are able to receive and act on constructive feedback, can look at what didn’t work and take responsibility in situations. All this data is very contrary to the fears and false beliefs our culture perpetuates.

So consider the exercise. None of our learned habits evaporate over night. It’s important to be patient and bring our awareness to how we treat ourselves when life gets hard. Maybe this week- long intervention will come in handily in helping you find more freedom and happiness.

Self-Compassion vs. Self-Criticism

Wed, 11 Dec 2013 16:58:18 +0100

How do we recover from feeling bad about ourselves regarding our mistakes, our rejections, limitations, or fights with our partner or friends? Finding freedom means choosing to respond with greater self-compassion or kindness rather than beating ourselves up with self-criticism and judgements. This is very difficult to do in our culture that says motivation requires self-criticism. Self-compassion gets confused with self-pity, fear of weakness, self-indulgence or lower standards. As individuals we believe we must make judgements about our human failings so we will be willing to look at our mistakes and take responsibility and do better next time. However recent research by Kristin Neff, has shown that self-compassion is a more effective motivator than self-criticism. Feeling compassionate toward ourselves when we have "failed" or fallen short actually makes it easier to look at our mistakes. The motivation with self-compassion is one toward greater health and well-being compared to the motivation with self-criticism, which is actually fear-based and leaves people feeling both a fear of failure and unworthy. Self-criticism gives us the illusion of control and the belief that we should never have things go wrong. Yet somewhere deep inside, we all know that is impossible!

So we are all familiar with self-criticism and the "inner critic" just waiting to beat us up. What does being self-compassionate look like? Self-compassion has three components as defined by the researcher, Dr. Neff. Self-compassion is being kind to self rather than using self-judgement, recognizing your common humanity rather than feeling isolated, and accepting, with awareness, what is happening in the moment, rather than getting overidentified with an experience. Self-compassion focuses on self-acceptance rather than self-improvement. And, as my first favorite therapist, Carl Rogers, said, "the curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I can change." It's so interesting to be reminded that when you feel loved as you are, you feel free to change and grow. Self-compassion is linked to well-being in that it reduces anxiety, depression, and stress, and increases optimism, creativity and gratitude.

So if you want to experiment, the next time you hear or feel yourself criticizing what you said or did, or didn't do or should have said, see if you can simply pause. STOP the chatter and take a deep breath. Put your hand over your heart and breathe into your pain. (our body knows how to respond) With kindness, acknowledge how difficult the situation feels. Maybe you say to yourself, "that interview was difficult" or "I never did a project like that before" or "I was too tired and stressed and blew up at my partner." O.K. So now remind yourself that life isn't perfect and neither are you. Remind yourself that you are not the first or only one to feel this way. Validate whatever feeling you may be having and just include them. You may say, " I felt so inadequate when I didn't get the job," or "that feedback from the boss really hurt when I had worked so hard" or "when I am tense I easily argue." Keep breathing and being gentle with yourself in this pain. Remember, even if you wished you had made a different choice, or that the circumstances were different, if you include your feelings of disappointment or anger and accept, with self-compassion, that you did the best you could at the time, you will feel some measure of new freedom from your suffering. This acceptance will later allow you to more easily consider what else you may need to practice or learn for the kind of work you want to do or the kind of partnership you want to keep creating. It may feel less difficult to evaluate what you could do differently and how to re-focus on your goals.